Todd Akin.

In the beginning, God made man and woman in His image, this we know. What we didn’t know is that God also imparted Eve with a magical vagina. Did you know that 99.9% of women were unaware of the magical abilities their vagina possesses? It’s our lucky day, ladies; Todd Akin has kindly cleared things up for us. If you thought the G-spot was too amazing to fathom, just wait until you hear what he found out!

All this time I thought I knew my lady bits better than anyone else in the world. Todd Akin, who is obviously a Jedi master of women’s anatomy, has taught me something I didn’t know:

If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try and shut that whole thing down

You mean… my vagina can fight off those nasty sperm in the event of a rape? Holy-shit-balls.

I, for one, am relieved that we have been imparted with such a magical anatomy. I mean, really, who knew that my uterus could tell the difference between rape and regular sex?! I have so many questions! Like; is my magical vagina able to differentiate between Rape and Rough Sex? If I’m feeling kinky I don’t want to accidentally shoot lasers out of my hoo-ha and scare off my man.

Or, is it possible to activate this ability without actually being raped? Because if so, dear god, the world would save so much money on condoms and birth control.

Furthermore, what exactly makes a rape ‘legitimate’? I’ve heard horrible stories of women that were raped and ended up pregnant. I mean obviously those rapes weren’t legit enough but I’m very curious as to what they did wrong. Did they not cry enough? Or had they dressed too provocatively and therefore were asking for it? Todd Akin, please, enlighten me to your Jedi ways!

The only thing that I’m scared of is that rapists will try to take advantage of this magical ability of ours. If they know that we can prevent ourselves from getting pregnant then couldn’t they possibly sue us for neglecting to do so? I mean sure, we could just as easily sue them for the whole rape fiasco, but where would it end?

On a more serious note; Fuck. This. Guy. How is he allowed to reproduce, let alone run for public office? What’s even more appalling is that he has refused to drop out in lieu of the backlash.

Equally appalling is his websites inability to spell “You’re”.

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12 thoughts on “Todd Akin.

  1. Funny indeed!

    I still chalk this one up to ignorance though. i think this Akin guy just had a relapse of “moron syndrome”. I’ll give him a pass one time though because he is kinda old, and i doubt he meant anything malicious by it. He does need to apoloigize for his statements though.

  2. ugh and people signed his petition, too… -_-

    i am pretty sure he knew what he was doing though – the minute someone in that standing says something controversial ALL the attention is on them; whether good or bad…

  3. What scared the crap out of me was that this one guy said it—there must be more who think so and are keeping quiet!
    I love that tweet you quoted.
    Also, the very concept of legitimate rape is nonsense. It implies that some rapes are okay.
    Nice post. I especially loved your idea of harnessing this Akin-esia for contraception by fooling the uterus to think a rape is happening. Perhaps every woman could blow a rape whistle post coitus.

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