He is and is not.

I really like documentaries. A lot. Curling up with an opinionated asshole spewing ideas about Christian philosophy and its flaws or America and its eating problems; it’s kinda my thing. Anything from pro-Christianity/anti-Christianity to the perils of being a crack whore will have me rapt with attentive pondering for so long as the augments stay within the realm of reality.

“But Lex,” you may say with a critical look in your eye, “some would say that arguments for Christianity are outside of the realm of reality or possibility.” Then you would cite facts A, B, C, and D, all proving the infallible belief you hold that God cannot, does not, and will not exist.

See, I was brought up as a Good Little Christian Girl. Sunday School every Sunday morning and Wednesday night. Praying before meals, bed, and whatever else is traditional and proper. Bibles were given as gifts on so many random occasions that I’ve ended up with a collection of 10 or more. I’ve only ever actually purchased a Bible once, the NSV Study Bible. I was taught that Hell is scary and sinning will get you there. Unfortunately, I’m also well aware that according to God’s standards we are all sinful by nature which makes life basically just a whole lot of repenting and a constant battle against our natural urges.

Romans 3:23; for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God

Wait, I thought Hell happened after life?

Talk to any Born Again Christian and they will tell you the Glory of God and the Love of Christ. “He is all loving and all forgiving! Accept Jesus into your heart today!” Sounds great, right? Let us not forget the disclaimers;

*God is all loving of everyone except homosexuals
**All sins are forgiven except for the sin of denying the Holy spirit
***Bliss not guaranteed.

When I was younger (i.e last year when I was balls deep into being a born again Christian) I was so absolutely terrified of the idea of going to hell that I used to literally beg God to take my father up to heaven in my place just so he wouldn’t have to suffer eternal pain and suffering. My dad isn’t necessarily an “unbeliever” but he’s not an active believer either. In other words he doesn’t do ‘works’.

James 2:14; What does it profit, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can faith save him? 15 If a brother or sister is naked and destitute of daily food, 16 and one of you says to them, “Depart in peace, be warmed and filled,” but you do not give them the things which are needed for the body, what does it profit? 17 Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

I would lay in bed and cry myself to sleep at the thought of my Dad or any other loved ones being eternally damned by their lack of faith/works/whatever. Prayer after prayer I would admit my fear and sins to God asking forgiveness and for my loved ones to be saved.

Got a good mental image going there? Pretty pathetic yeah? Good.

Now, picture someone who claims to believe in God and goes around picketing the funerals of Soldiers or holding signs next to the highway that says “God hates fags!”. Imagine these people who claim to know God on such a deep level that they can say, without a doubt, that the world will end in 3 weeks. Because, contrary to what their precious Bible says, they are just so sure that they have cracked the code the way God intended them to. These people hate those who oppose their Lord and they will kill you to prove it. The soldiers of God.

Which is more pathetic? A girl balling her eyes out because she’s scared her family and friends will have to suffer eternal damnation or a bunch of soliders of God claiming your fucked because you “chose” to be gay and therefore God hates you.

After so many years of being a Good Little Christian Girl I’ve come to find that I no longer feel proud of that title. I used to think it meant something good, something promising. I used to believe it meant I had morality and could be leaned on when needed. Now, more than ever, the word ‘Christian’ has become synonymous with ‘Crazy’, and I can’t say it’s far off base. I still believe in a God, but my God is not the same as theirs. My God does not hate because he loves unconditionally. My God does not strike such fear in his followers that they lay awake, terrified they committed the unforgivable sin on accident.

My God would be everything I learned in Sunday school; hugs and kisses, understanding and patience, love and forgiveness. Until that God exists, I claim ignorance is bliss.


8 thoughts on “He is and is not.

  1. Great post. You kind of reminded me of ghandi (he was rejected by christians of his day). i could relate to the lgb part… they’ll get it, hopefully

  2. Well, as you already know, I’m a Christian. But I sure as hell don’t believe in a God who hates gays. And I’m eternally grateful that His love is way bigger than all of my screw-ups. Don’t give up searching for who God really is.

    • I’m glad I’m not the only ‘Christian’ who feels that way. I live in kansas, so we have the unfortunate joy of Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist church. It just seems so contradictory to me. So hypocritical.

  3. Cool post. Interesting perspective. Christians, in my experience, are allowed to disagree with what they believe. Faith Seeking Understanding what you believe and why you believe it is essential. Believe for youself, not for any other person.

  4. And there are a whole lot of other ways to believe in God without being a Christian (which basically just means you believe in the divinity of a guy named Jesus).

    A recent archeological finding suggests that that guy named Jesus may have had wife! I really hope they nail that down so I can watch all the various Christian sects, especially the Catholics who’ve based the Priesthood on Christ’s supposed celibacy, react to that!

    Above, Gandhi was mentioned. In hind Swaraj (1908) Gandhi wrote, “In reality there are as many religions as there are individuals.” I think that’s very true. He also wrote, “Religions are different roads converging to the same point. What does it matter that we take different road, so long as we reach the same goal. Wherein is the cause for quarreling?”

    There are many paths up the mountain.

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